What I see when I look at me

I added some blonde color to my hair this evening.  I’ve had it darkened close to its original color, but the blonde makes me feel more alive, brighter.

While adding the highlights, I glanced into the mirror and studied what I saw. Lines under my eyes, crows feet and fine wrinkles where there weren’t as many last year.
A fullness to my face that I haven’t seen for a long time. Dark circles under my eyes.  A neck with sagging skin and a strange, wrinkling bunch of lines.

But as I looked into my eyes, I saw a woman who knows who she is, and is happy with who she’s become.  I saw lips that still love to smile and break into laughter.  I saw contentment, and love.   Hope and dreams.  I saw lips that were voted the most kissable in high school.

I also saw things that I regret in the blue eyes staring back at me.  I saw sorrow for mistakes of the past.  I saw sadness for loss in my life.  I saw remorse for hurting others…both unintentionally and on purpose.

But most importantly, I saw a joy in the knowledge that I’m not the person that I used to be.  I keep pieces of her, because there are parts of her that I like, that I’m proud of.  I saw the love I have for my spouse, despite my fight with insecurities I have had all my life.  Trust is hard for me.  But I see that my insecurities and issues with trust are my own.  And I alone am the one that has to put these issues to rest.

Finally, I saw the girl I was, the woman I am, and the person I’m becoming.  I’ve decided that as much as aging truly sucks, I want to grow old with an acceptance of what I’ve been given.  I want so much to eradicate the focus on my looks, and concentrate on working on being a person that helps others, a person who is honest, true, and forgiving.  I want to love the person that looks back at me in the mirror.  After all, if I can’t learn to love her, then how can I give the love to others that they truly deserve?

I want to learn to like what I see, when I look at me.


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